It’s a Matter between Me, Myself and I

Feb. 14, 2011

Paul Miki E. Sajulla

2-BS ComTech

N____, University Dorm

Residence Halls Complex

Ateneo de Manila University

Loyola Heights, Quezon City

Dear Future Paul,

Hey there! I hope you’re well … doing better than I am now. Right now really I don’t know what to say to you, to myself. I mean I’ve got a lot of this “changes” needing making but nothing’s happening. Not one of them is taking place. You told yourself you’d be DL by second sem – well guess what? Math’s an F and clearly you’re not. You promised your senior self that you’d rock and rule AdMU. Well now, so far the greatest accomplishment you’ve ever had is earning 300 points for Vantrocke for an eating contest. An eating contest Paul - the fuck: loser. You almost screwed your research paper and right now I’m practically cramming it – on the day of deadline! And I’ve been doing that for what? A lot of work actually! Cram, cram and cram. Blah, blah – BLAH! Sajulla what the hell happened to you? Freaking think about it – you’re the, the Salutatorian of Xavier University High School. No pressure whatsoever on the title, but at least live up to it the best way you can. And no, right at the writing moment of this letter – you’re not.

You’ve just turned 18. Guess what, you’ve already broken your second code of conduct. You’ve tried a shot. Now let me tell you, by the time this letter is being read I expect that you had not and never been drinking at a constant and even often time scheduled rate. Alright? Get it? No drinking Sajulla. Shot’s okay, but only with the best of friends – and not necessarily the “cool” ones.

And God you’re disgusting. 18 man. 18! In two years’ time you’re gonna be 20. You know what that means? A few years left ‘til adulthood and before you know it no one’s hiring a fat old slob like you. Face it – you’re just a dump of food. Everyone’s excess food trash can. Even your own. Girls may call you cute and all but hey think about it – hanggang diyan ka lang. Cute. And furthermore you’ve got crappy speaking skills. God! Can’t you be more talkative in a nice, entertaining but the least yet most important – normal way? Sure high school pals love the way you lie but come on. New life, try new ways of speaking alright kiddo? And lose those pounds. Seriously. By this time you’ve read this you should have at least lost 30 pounds like Josh and Von told you. And save up for fruits always. Screw cookies and light sugary snacks. Get to Banapple rarely and don’t you dare step into Frutti Froyo ever again until you’ve lost 50 pounts of weight. Bantay ka ha!

And this time please, improve, improve and improve academic performance. I’m guessing you’re in ComTech already and seriously it’s lighter than ME. Okay? Let’s forgive ourselves for having lost to Math but now your next target’s Accounting. Fuck accounting – in a good way. Focus on it, you don’t have Math naman anyway haler. And bantay lang jud ka kung you go into emo mode or malling mode once you’re down. Doesn’t solve anything you doosh. And for the record, give yourself some time alone. Yes, alone. Not emo alone but serious alone – to work, read, relax and focus. Sure your roommates are great but face it – you can NEVER work when they’re around. You just end up blabbing and blabbing all night long as if there’s no end to it. God you suck. Think about it, wasting your time and theirs? Gee, don’t be surprised if they want to ditch you in a couple of months if you behave like that until forever.

Now what else? Come on, I’ll find up more stupid things you gotta improve on. Hmmm … oh yeah. Stay active in orgs. And seriously, save up on the cash, keep it and splash it all on Recruitment Week. For crying out loud all of your freshman year orgs experience almost sucked. Almost, ‘cause you’re the one who bailed out almost all the time anyway. And ARSA idiot! ARSA! That’s your home. It’s now what – 70 percent of your life? Invest in it damn you. Don’t just sit there and wait around for windows of opportunities to come up. Find them! That way you won’t just sit and be fat all day and instead lose some calories on running around as an errand boy if pwede. And since you don’t have Math – not much load and therefore, more chance of practicing that Atenean virtue you’ve been promising yourself since childhood – to balance things out. Good luck with that. And yes, right now, challenge accepted.

Oh, challenge accepted for everything. Time to work your ass. Yes your big fatty, sugar-glazed ass. Aren’t you sick that you can’t try out pants that are size 36 or even 34? Getting to those sizes are achievement enough and you could go lower and lower with persistence. Persistence – that is one whole lot of hell you’ve lost. The reason why you’ve given up on Math, on making life better, on finding and pursuing love. But bottomline? Having lost persistence, you’ve never risen up from being a fat old bastard. You’ve reached 18 years of living life and never have you lost a single pound. Or if you did, it was an imagination (face it). And it starts from there Sajulla. There. Fat. Lose it all I say and you will see the light of day. You’re very much into looking good, matching up nice clothes together for a small gig, party or simply going out. That’s where all your Magis goes to – looking your best even if fat. Now won’t it be more Magis, making it double, when you’re not that fat anymore yet still remain neat wherever you go? Heck, you might even get to buy clothes then that are for Php250. And as of reading this letter, please, you must have given yourself the best birthday gift of all – to trim down. Start little, end great. No pressure, but no cheats either.

You were successful in high school because all of your friends around you were comfy with you being fat. Even yourself. But right now that we’re both starting to face and feel the real world that awaits (this, which you keep on mentioning yet ignoring the feeling every time), fat isn’t the top trend bro. Not everyone’s comfy with it and you yourself are starting to feel the same. And everything else that matters drowns with it. Your academic life, your social networking and maybe even – worst of all – your dreams.

Paul, you’ve lost the battle to survive ME by this time. Yehey, no Math! But it won’t be all rejoice. You will force yourself to humble down. You will force yourself to be competent than ever, and bawi every loss you’ve gotten from first year second sem. Rise up from that. And don’t forget your plans on running for a certain big position in ARSA (clue: it is two letters). Use LEGENDARY or BIG BANG as your themes or whatever’s popular now when you’re reading this. And lastly, since you’re in a new course Paul, it’s a new start. Make the most out of new beginnings for it hardly comes. We never know the next time around you fall down; it shall be harder and harder to get back up again. But if you accomplish the most important thing that sets of all the others – losing weight and becoming that Tsinoy Nener keeps on mumbling about before – getting back up again the second time around might be an easier task without the weight of the shit you’ve been carrying around all these years. And by weight, I mean both the fat and that guilty feeling that whatever happened if you were thin?

Remember Paul, you call the shots. “Ay, ikaw bahala,” as Garces once said. Two more long roads and corners and you’re going to be 20. A year away then from graduating. And you’ve got a year before this letter would either make you feel happy … or dead guilty because you have or have not accomplished the goals you’ve hoped to see come true.

You’ve plummeted down and deep Paul. You may have disappointed people, but most of all you’ve disappointed all of your past selves. You are a crappy doppelganger of Pauls aged 16 and below. 18 is still fresh but neither one of us surely wants it to go rotten without having been of purpose at all.

Good luck. God bless. Pray always for the rest.

Sincerely,

Just-Eighteen Paul

PS.

Do a good job as Secretary General for AcadCom.

Don’t disappoint me you little coward!